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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "lollingbliss" journal:

March 11th, 2006
08:41 pm [Link]	yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! happy day. :-) the whole day. happy. wow. :-D what an acomplishment. i think i derserve something. like a million dollars. or a vacation in Hawaii. Today while stretching at the studio it was observed that I looked like a crab lying (lieing? liing? lie-ing?) in the sand on a beach. It was a very nice thing to imagine. minus the crab part, i guess. except happiness confuses me. I don't know quite what to make of it, because it is one of the more temporary emotions, and even while, yes, today was happy, everything is not happy, so if i actually think about things then i am not so happy anymore but i think that thinking is totally overrated, so i can still be happy. i astound myself with my deepness. and now we all know why i dont write in livejournal anymore. my profound discoveries on the intricacies of life are just to much to take, with the regular speed at which i produce them. better here than stuck and rotting in my brain though. or mind. brain. mind. is there a difference? ive always thought so yet in philoshophy.... crap. off to zone in front of another movie. Current Mood: happy Current Music: various Death Cab for Cutie (1 comment \| Leave a comment)
March 5th, 2006
07:31 pm [Link]	fog of life Yesterday was incredibly long and today was (is) insanely surreal. At the studio for 11+ hours yesterday....thats just rediculous. classes (the usual), rehersals (too short to really do much but make me realize how tired I already was), photo shoot-- a highlight of my day was the twenty or so minutes for which I was Odette. for the first and last time. sigh. I felt so beautiful. i wanted to throw a fit when they said i had to take it all off. stuart should have told me about it all sooner so i could have looked forward to it for longer. ill tell you now im really not going to want to put on that too-short floofy thing that i actually wear for Swan Lake... Other pictures... random awesomeness, but... well, i learned a lot anyhow and would absolutely love to do it again. Anyway, it all was very draining, physically and emotionally; i didn't realize how much so until i came home, walked up the stairs into my room and found myself threatening to fell apart. Which is unfortunate because the day was wonderful and very enjoyable and special... but in the end i was more confused than ever, hence the eventually losing it. Took forever to fall asleep despite my complete exhaustion, but in the end i slept a solid 10 hours, then unable to think of a good reason to get out of bed didn't do so unitl about noon. My house was wierd today.. strangly quiet, i guess... its my mom's birthday but shes not really feeling well... neither is aric and holly was in bed all day with a 104 degree fever. poor girl. my dad was home on account of it being my mom's birthday i guess, but he never knows quite what to do with himself when not working. I was going to clean my room but only suceeded in making it messier. was going to do homework too but... well of course not. did sew some shoes, break 3 needles, listen to some music, eat some food, watch some basketball, laze around on some couch, ice some body parts... all while very much in a daze and not quite sure what or where or why i was. So im still drained and still in daze and still confused and yet tomorrow is Monday. we'll see how that goes. Current Mood: restless Current Music: Everybody Hurts ~ REM (Leave a comment)
February 27th, 2006
10:28 pm [Link]	its either sadness or euphoria... or BOTH ARRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!! those in between emotions are the worst, you know? I can honestly say i have no recollection of ever being so evenly in between, either. its bad. terrible. painful. and yet, just for the mere fact that IT is not undisputably horrificly bleak for once, its wonderful. marvelous. i'm thrilled, really, estatic. excited. and yet... fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. k, know how ive wished nothing more than to have the last year and a half of my life back? Well, now, I'd settle for a couple months. just two, even. PLEASE!? i am torn. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. shit. SO. as all this is going through my mind on the way home... it is pouring rain. very very windy. that car is crap in the wind, so i settle in at 50 -55 mph. for the haul home. Aside from a few adrenaline-rush moments here and there all is well until the last few miles. Coming up on Davis i apparently randomly decide to get off a few exits earlier than usual, just to get off the freeway. on my way up the offramp... it starts DUmPing. absolutley dumping. and crazy windy. So while nearly being blown off the road i flip the windshield wipers higher in attempt to see something... and they break. well, just one. the driver's side one. So there I am in the middle of a bridge in the middle of the night in the middle of a friggin monsoon trying to fix a windshield wiper. To no avail. its broken-- not even moving 'cept when the other one kind gets caught on it. Now thouroughly drenched I attempt to continue on my way by leaning over towards the other side of the car, where the window is clear(er). Until everything fogs up. On go the hazard lights again as I squint to see another place to pull over, this time out round Mace curve somewhereabouts. Having wiped down the windows and turned on defrost, i say fuck for the fifty-eighth time of the night and continue on my merry way. oh don't it just figure. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA Current Mood: extreme (Leave a comment)
February 26th, 2006
12:09 am [Link]	long day ~ they tell me your blue skies fade to gray they tell me your passion's gone away ~ But. i think. maybe... that i figured out things. or at the very least have specific things that might to be good things to focus on. which is a very good thing. and i can at least pretend that i am getting somewhere with my tiny accomplishments, even if they don't make a difference. cause when you cant even make a difference in your own life.... thats pretty lame. and pathetic. rough. i love certain people by the way... Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Haven't Got Time for the Pain ~ Carly Simon (Leave a comment)
February 25th, 2006
11:56 pm [Link]	long day ~ There's no time to lose, I heard her say Catch your dreams before they slip away Dying all the time Lose your dreams And you will lose your mind Ain't life unkind? ~ Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Ruby Tuesday ~ Rolling Stones (Leave a comment)
February 23rd, 2006
01:40 pm [Link]	figure skating NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: disappointed (Leave a comment)
February 22nd, 2006
01:19 am [Link]	yaaaaay! I just wrote a crap paper! assignment: a 1000-1200 opinion paper basically having something to do with how free speech should be censored/controlled, if at all.. i think... didn't actually write down the wording of the prompt... so i produce: a 1350 word paper than rambles on about my opinion on various aspects of free speech, without really much of a focus or topic or thesis or such overrated element... its just lame that its our first real paper for the class. I hate having to re-establish a good reputation all the time with new teachers. such a bother. umm.. bed now.. study, um.... later. yesh. figure skaing is so more important than school. Current Music: How Do You Love ~ Collective Soul (Leave a comment)
12:18 am [Link]	its either inspiration or discouragement... sadness or euphoria... So. Sasha Cohen. drop dead gorgeous, yes? Yeah. Loved her program... coreography, costume, music... beautifulness... So why can't everybody (and by everybody I of course mean ME) be so fortunate as to simply be able to work one's ass off and actually get where you were trying to go by doing so? Doesn't sound so hard. I mean, HArd, yes.. complicated.. No. supposedly. But then things crop up you weren't expecting... things you should squash and be done with but are not. Some you know you could, so thats all fine, but then theres the one's you have this little intuition that you couldn't even if you tried. And you can't try, actually, its not that sort of thing. Heh. most people don't have that sort of bothersome thing though. not fair. Would be ironic if I ruined everything out of pride when I don't have any left when it comes to everything else. As certain people like to point out to me. don't worry, you weren't supposed to understand that. I shall stop talking crypticly now One of the figure skaing commentators (i get such a kick out of them, by the way..) said something that made me think for half a second at one point... something along the lines of "potential being the biggest burden." I haven't decided about the THE biggest part, but its come to think of it, it is pretty damn big. How incredibly annoying. I have actually always known that though, its one of the reasons I can only very rarely being actually pleased with what I do, and even more rarely be content with what I have done. and why I don't feel like I should be or have reason to be pleased anyway. What IS with people spewing little gems of truthfulnes that are depressingly applicable to me? Psychic ballet teachers who understand you before you understand yourself... figure skating commentators... I think Sasha Cohen actually said something impressively deep at one point.. verging on the edge of corny I think, but I don't remember what it was anyway. Yeah. definitely 12:40. definitley have a paper to write. and 50 pages to read and think about. And a 5 chapter test to study for. nice. so much for coming off a week's vacation from school nice and relaxed, eh? I'm not really feelin the sleep thing so much tonight, nope. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Daniel Powder ~ Bad Day (Leave a comment)
June 16th, 2005
11:55 pm [Link]	heh. teehee. ha. haha. wheeeeeeeeeeeeee haaaahahahahaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHaaBWAAAAAAAAhaahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! oh man...aaaaaaaahahahahaha. hahaha... heh... k, forget the little things. sometimes its just the eensy weensy widdle itty bitty tings. snicker snicker... Current Mood: giddy Current Music: Come on Eileen ~ The Cure (Leave a comment)
June 10th, 2005
01:45 am [Link]	"silk" is so a verb life life life life. oh my gosh. life. So last weekend I decided two things: 1)that I am going to gain 5 pounds, and 2) that i was going to be happy this week. An ideal week to do it because, unbelieve as it may be, there was no b***** this week. So five days later I still weigh within the same half pound that weigh no matter the time of day, stuffed or starving, bundled up or.. not..., rain or shine, happy or melancholy. But. I am happy. I am happy, optimistic, unworried, and not looking any further into the future than my narrow little field of vision really cares to right now. Whatever it takes. I also established that the happiness could have however many pounds of chocolate chips, miles of silkies and hours of "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" that it needed. I didn't really need so many, but they were a nice final touch. You know whats awesome--- people who ooze pure, true happiness and joy with the world, especially people, around them; maybe for their own amusement, maybe for others' entertainment, but they don't care at ALL, not in the teeniest tiniest little bit, what they look like or what other people think of them. Its especially cool when they are actually incredibly funny or witty of course, but even when not... And it surprises people, makes them visibly uncomfortable even, which while pathetically sad, is terribly amusing and inspiring to watch. And then i went an saw a very good movie that reminded one of the incredible value of a life, and the specialness of the simple act of living.. but through discovery and tragedy, not corny predictableness. in conclusion my computer hates me and i hate it ten times more and this is only a sketch of what i had originally written here which is lame but maybe fortunate. but im not in the mood for holding grudges. Wow. Remind me to read this come the end of my happily shorted view of the future. 3 days. (Leave a comment)

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